


just guys being dudes

by RanRannerson



Category: Dragon Quest Series, Dragon Quest XI
Genre: Drunken Kissing, Hendrik's fat tits, Humor, Jasper lost their shared brain cell, M/M, Non-Explicit Masturbation, Pre-Canon, Pre-Dundrasil specifically, Puff-Puff - Freeform, boys being extremely stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23191663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RanRannerson/pseuds/RanRannerson
Summary: “You know, thinking about it,” he mused, setting the goblet back down and pouring himself yet another glass. “You could probablygivedecent puff-puffs.”Hendrik, having not finished his drink, suddenly found his wine working its way down the wrong pipe and immediately began coughing.or; a snapshot of the two most preeminent disaster bisexuals of Heliodor as young men.
Relationships: Graig | Hendrik/Homer | Jasper (Dragon Quest XI)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 40





	just guys being dudes

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I was going to break in my Ao3 account with something dignified, but instead, it’s this incredibly stupid bullshit.

For the two most up-and-coming knights of Heliodor, the night of the Feast of Loves and Doves had effectively developed into a sort of ritual feast, though, admittedly, Hendrik was certain that it was more of a joyful occasion for Jasper than himself. Jasper took to it as something of a victory feast, celebrating the frankly ridiculous amount of baked goods he’d accumulated over the course of the day and, presumably, the upcoming encounters he’d scheduled but would not discuss with Hendrik out of concerns it would result in a lecture. 

Hendrik, on the other hand, always saw it as more of a celebration of his own survival, as every time the holiday rolled around, he found himself almost flustered to death by the attention he’d been getting. It had been getting worse and worse as the years had gone on, due to the fact that he’d been getting more gifts every year and the girls presenting him with said treats kept getting prettier. It did not help one bit that he absolutely could not eat all those sweets by himself, as he simply did not have the taste for it. He liked the _occasional_ sweet, but he couldn’t shovel them down the way, say, the royal family and Jasper could.

So, this was a mutually beneficial arrangement. He and Jasper would retire to one of their rooms, break out a nice bottle of wine (or two, or three), and tackle the most perishable sweets together, and then whatever Jasper couldn’t handle would be either saved for later or surreptitiously slipped to Princess Jade… whenever, really, since Hendrik had difficulty saying no to the young princess. That was sure to be a problem at some point, but surely he could learn to be a little more firm on the matter while being respectful to royalty, right? Right…?

Ah, speaking of… after finishing a strawberry tart and taking a particularly long swig of wine, Jasper set his goblet down and propped his chin up on his hand.

“It’s time, Hendrik,” he said, pulling a somewhat amateurishly-wrapped purple box from the pile. “I believe I am just drunk enough at the moment to take a crack at the Princess’s latest attempt at Lovey-Dovey cookies.”

“Please do not cast aspersion on the Princess’s efforts,” said Hendrik, as he took a significantly smaller sip while reaching for his own box. “They were not _that_ unpleasant last year, from what I could tell, and she did say that she had Queen Eleanor’s guidance while making these.”

“Oh, please, Hendrik, they were charcoal last year. You don’t need to go _that_ far to defend the royal family.” Jasper tossed the ribbon to the floor with the rest of the trash, then paused a moment before going to open the box. “Though, I suppose that doesn’t speak to what their quality would have been had they not looked like they’d gone through a particularly powerful Kafrizzle.”

He cracked open the lid to peek in, as if to check and make sure whether or not he needed yet another drink to get through the ordeal, and then flipped the lid open to give it a proper visual appraisal, a thoughtful look on his face. Hendrik looked over his own set of dove-shaped cookies, then nodded in approval.

“Well, I would say they look fine enough. Certainly not burnt or anything.”

Jasper squinted a bit.

“They look more like chickens than doves, but it’s a good attempt. Of course, aesthetics are only one factor here, as there is a far more important one…”

He brushed his bangs out of his face somewhat dramatically.

“...the taste test.”

Hendrik nodded resolutely. In almost rehearsed unison, the two picked up the top cookie from their gifts and bit a chunk out of them, then ate the rest at their own pace. Jasper’s brow furrowed in concentration as he pondered the flavor before delivering his verdict.

“Actually, it’s rather decent. It could be sweeter, mind, but it’s got a good texture to it.”

“I rather like the flavor, myself,” said Hendrik, as he reached for another cookie. “Though, we have always disagreed on that particular point.”

“Either way, I’d say it’s a success.” Jasper proceeded to shove another cookie in his mouth before reaching back for his goblet. “I would say a toast is in order.”

“Indeed, it is.” Hendrik picked up his own goblet and raised it with… well, the most dignified smile he could muster while mildly inebriated. “To Princess Jade’s further culinary successes!”

Jasper swiftly raised his goblet and nearly risked dousing himself in wine. “To Queen Eleanor’s instruction ensuring I can give an honest compliment instead of… of… not... honest.”

The two proceeded to drink, with Jasper downing the rest of his goblet and Hendrik… downing about half. He was beginning to get a bit concerned, honestly, particularly given that Jasper immediately reached for the bottle to pour himself more wine, but… how much damage _could_ he do? Hendrik had made sure to surreptitiously confiscate the cork, so that particular disaster would not repeat itself, at the very least. That was reassuring. Perhaps he was just tipsy enough that some other possibility was slipping his mind, but--

“So. Now, with that order of business out of the way.”

Jasper set his goblet down a bit loudly, interrupting Hendrik from his musings, and brushed his hair out of his face as he wore… oh, dear, there had been less mischievous grins on literal monsters they’d faced down. Well, it was probably something he could--

“I see Miss Lapis thought to try stuffed mushrooms rather than a pastry. Very observant of her.”

\-- _oh noooooooooooo, Hendrik did not want to have this conversation_. It was time to suddenly become very interested in a pastry that was as far away from Jasper’s line of sight as possible so he could avoid eye contact lest he turn, well, redder. Here was the true struggle of the evening: trying to survive a conversation about potential romantic interests with someone who was very obviously much better at it than him…

“I… may have mentioned my preferences at some point a week or so ago…” he admitted, trying very hard not to stammer through the whole thing. “I cannot deny that they were delicious, but…”

“So, you’re going to go for it, then?” said Jasper, trying to lean in the general direction of Hendrik’s gaze to force him to make eye contact. “Aside from that, she _is_ your type, you know. She’s got a fantastic pair of--”

“ _I do not intend to have any dalliances with the castle maids, Jasper_ ,” interrupted Hendrik, burying his face in his hands. “How can you even look them in the eye in the mornings?”

“...very easily, actually.” Jasper sighed and leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. “Honestly, Hendrik, nobody’s going to revoke your knighthood for a night of fun or two. I can _ensure_ there’s no risk of--”

“That is not the point!” said Hendrik, who was even more mortified by wherever Jasper was going than he had been previously. “I… I must focus on my duties without distraction. Perhaps one day I may… consider... the idea of a relationship, but this is a crucial time in our knightly endeavors.”

Jasper looked unamused by the whole thing, and took a sip of his wine before responding.

“Perhaps you would find it all less distracting if you’d just let off a bit of steam every once in a while. All that knightly repression can’t be good for you, you know? I’m certain you almost exploded the last time we walked past a puff-puff girl.”

“ _Please do not bring up puff-puffs so lightly_ ,” said Hendrik, practically shoving his hands right through his head. 

“This is _exactly_ what I mean, Hendrik,” drawled Jasper, raising a hand in exasperation. “If you just… went for one, you’d likely feel better about the whole thing. The everything.”

“I… do not think I am drunk enough for this conversation,” mumbled Hendrik into his hands, before removing them and taking a long drag of wine. Jasper laughed, leaned his head back a bit further, and began swirling his wine in his hand… until the laughter trailed off, when he got a bit of a thoughtful look on his face as he moved the goblet to his lips for a drink of his own.

“You know, thinking about it,” he mused, setting the goblet back down in order to fill it back up. “You could probably _give_ decent puff-puffs.”

Hendrik, having not finished his drink, suddenly found his wine working its way down the wrong pipe and immediately began coughing. Jasper looked down from the ceiling in concern, looking at his hands and then looking back at Hendrik.

“ _Please_ don’t die, Hendrik, I’m not good at magical mending and Zing has never worked for me--”

“What,” wheezed Hendrik, hitting himself in the chest and staring back up at his friend. “What? What. _What are you talking about_.”

“Oh.” Jasper’s brows furrowed. “I’m talking about your huge chest, of course. Really, Hendrik, are you alright?”

“What does-- what--”

“Look, I believe your pectorals are far larger than the bosoms of some puff-puff purveyors I’ve seen. Deep breaths, Hendrik.”

Hendrik did, indeed, take a deep breath. He opened his mouth. He closed his mouth. He repeated this several times until he finally managed to form words.

“ _Surely_ it is not the same.”

Jasper mulled it over, turning his gaze back to the ceiling.

“You’re probably right that it would be a different experience than the usual. I mean, if you ever head to Octagonia and sign up for the MMA you may as well call yourself… Dirk Hardpec or something.”

...he kept talking about it like it wasn’t an inherently ridiculous idea. Hendrik stared into his glass, lost in thought.

“Or Gristle McThornbody. That may work too.”

Oh, no, now Hendrik was thinking about it, too… maybe it was just the drink? It had to be the drink. Definitely. That was definitely why he was… experimentally poking his own chest…

“Perhaps… Big McLargehuge?”

“Do you want to try it?”

The words left Hendrik’s mouth before he could really think about the implications of what he was offering.

“Bob Johnson-- wait, what are we talking about?”

Jasper’s eyes slowly left the point on the ceiling he had been absently staring at as he swirled his wine, before trying to focus back on Hendrik, who stiffened in the sort of mortification brought on by realizing he was treading into dangerous territory, but was going to charge on forward regardless.

“The… puff-puff.”

In lieu of answering, Jasper’s lips parted and his brows furrowed, much in the manner of someone trying to solve a difficult math problem while hungover. Hendrik’s eyes darted towards the doorway, then the window as his very slightly muddied thoughts screamed at him to immediately vacate the room and hide in the well in the courtyard for, say, the next decade.

“I… forgive me, I am not sure what came over me, let us just let the subject--”

Jasper slammed his goblet down.

“I _absolutely_ want to try it.”

Oh.

Hm.

Hendrik wasn’t expecting quite that level of enthusiasm, though it could be said this discussion had certainly gone into strange, unexplored regions that, nonetheless, were inexplicably exciting to him, as well. Who could truly say that he had never… wanted to have their extremely handsome best friend’s face pressed up against his chest…

…

Was… was that a common experience? Was that just Hendrik? He had no idea, and at this point, he was afraid to ask, but here he was, dry-mouthed despite his attempts to wet his lips with wine and trying to figure out how to proceed from here.

“How… should we do this,” he finally managed. Jasper was currently also downing the rest of his goblet, and it seemed to take an age to Hendrik before he sighed, wiped his lip off, and responded.

“Well, the usual way, I’d imagine, though I don’t want you on top in case you pass out and suffocate me with your… your massive… everything.”

“You know more about how this goes, Jasper,” said Hendrik pleadingly. “I want to do this right, you know.”

He could only imagine what sort of trouble Jasper would give him for this _period_ , much less if he did it poorly. That is, unless they got each other to swear never to speak of it again like they did after the cork incident. Or the time Jasper wondered what it would be like if they kissed and tried to play it off as a joke until Hendrik admitted that he wouldn’t be _un_ interested and they’d both gotten far too into it and needed to dump cold water over their heads afterwards. That was likely how this was going to go, wasn’t it? There was something sort of liberating about that.

Also something faintly disappointing that he didn’t want to properly acknowledge, but that was neither here nor there. What was here and now… was Jasper rolling his eyes and standing up.

“Must I _really_ walk you through this,” he said, steadying himself on the edge of the table as he started over to Hendrik’s bed. “You’re the one who suggested it.”

“You brought it up in the first place,” grumbled Hendrik as he stood up and followed Jasper’s lead. Jasper practically fell back onto the bed and rubbed his brow. 

“Look, just… just prop yourself up against the pillows. We can go from there. It’ll be simple.”

Hendrik hesitated a moment before sitting down on the edge of the bed and working out how to swing his legs around without accidentally kicking Jasper.

“You know, isn’t the puff-puff girl supposed to be on top?” he asked, shimmying backwards and giving the pillows a once-over before seating himself against them. “I’m not _that_ drunk, you know. I’m… reasonably alert.”

Jasper turned to him with a glare.

“ _Who has the experience here, Hendrik._ ”

Ah. He just wanted to feel tall. Well, Hendrik could give him that, he supposed. If only to avoid the possibility of an hour of pointless bickering that would likely dim the nervous excitement in the atmosphere. There were definitely times where you argued with Jasper and times where you humored him and let him do what he pleased, and this was certainly the latter. ...besides, he did feel a little more comfortable letting Jasper take charge in matters such as this.

“...right, well, this… is this good?” Hendrik said somewhat meekly, propped up at a slight angle to give Jasper free access to his chest. Jasper pivoted around from where he’d been sitting and brought a hand to his chin appraisingly, kneeling on the bed and looking Hendrik over.

“Hm.”

He reached out and gave one of Hendrik’s pecs an experimental squeeze, provoking a bashful reddening of Hendrik’s face, and then very suddenly plunged his face between them, before letting out a frustrated whine of pain and pulling back.

“Yggdrasil’s _roots_ , Hendrik, take your shirt off so I can move your pendant out of the way!”

“You could have warned me that you were going to go for it,” grumbled Hendrik with a wince, rubbing the top of his sternum before reaching down to pull off his black turtleneck, fumbling with it a bit before casting it aside. Once that was done, he moved his pendant aside and shifted just a bit.

“There. I believe that should suffice.”

Jasper finished rubbing his forehead, looked over, and then nodded approvingly, leaning back in to press his face back against Hendrik’s chest and sliding his hands up his abs to the sides of his pecs, which Hendrik had not entirely been expecting. He could feel his hair standing on end a bit from it, especially when he went in for another squeeze on both sides. He was… well, he had no idea what he was even doing at the moment, really, or what he should be doing, since the one time he actually _had_ gotten a puff-puff he’d kind of gone into sensory overload over the whole thing. Should he… be doing something with his hands? Should he just… let Jasper nuzzle his chest at his own leisure?

“How is it?” he eventually asked, looking nervously off to the side.

Jasper remained silent for a second or two, before pulling back and bringing a hand to his chin.

“It’s… different, I suppose. You’re not at all soft, for one thing, and you’ve really got more chest hair than any nineteen-year-old man ought to, and you have no idea what you’re doing here.”

Hendrik’s heart sank, even if this whole situation was ridiculous and he really _shouldn’t_ have felt as saddened by that evaluation as he was. He’d been kind of expecting it, even, but it still kind of hurt.

“So, are… are we done, then?” he said, still unable to actually look at Jasper… which made it just a bit surprising when he felt a hand on his cheek.

“Oh, come now, Hendrik,” Jasper said as he gently turned Hendrik’s face to meet his gaze. “Don’t sound so pathetic. I didn’t say it was _unpleasant_ , did I?”

With their faces this close, Hendrik found it even harder to look away from Jasper. His cheeks, rosy from drink, were somewhat incongruous with his elegant looks, and his golden gaze was somewhat… enticing? Yes, enticing, especially since Jasper’s hand was moving down from his cheek, to the side of his neck, to his collarbone, to his sternum--

“You really should relax, Hendrik. I can feel your heart pounding like… like…”

Jasper did not finish his sentence. It was not a sudden interruption, since he trailed off as Hendrik brought a hand up to stroke his hair and gently guide his head closer, so that their lips could meet. The way Jasper froze at first sent a spike of panic running through Hendrik’s chest, but it was barely a moment before Jasper enthusiastically intensified the kiss, the sweetness of leftover icing and the tartness of the wine still present on his lips and tongue. Despite the fact that he’d initiated it, Hendrik found himself sinking back into the pillows as Jasper hungrily bore down on him, nipping at his lower lip before breathlessly pulling back.

“ _My_ ,” he panted, “You’re feeling daring tonight, aren’t you, Hendrik?”

“I…” 

Hendrik tried to think of something appropriately smooth.

“Well, you looked… um.” Oh no, he was panicking. He was losing the thread. “Good.”

...no, that wasn’t right.

“Very good. Very… kissable.”

Jasper laughed, and Hendrik couldn’t help but feel yet another stab of panic and embarrassment run through his… wait, no, was that embarrassment? There were just a lot of conflicting warm and slightly concerning feelings running through his body at the moment, and it was hard to tell what was what at this point. Things immediately got even _more_ intense in that respect when he suddenly found Jasper straddling his lap instead of kneeling over him, because that made it impossible to deny certain… other physical reactions to all this on both their parts.

“Why don’t you just leave the talking to me, hm?” purred Jasper into his ear as he rubbed Hendrik’s shoulders. “I can think of other things you could be doing with your mouth right now.”

Oh. Well, Hendrik… got the idea, vaguely, though he still felt a bit awkward as he went ahead and brought his lips to the line of Jasper’s jaw, kissing down to the exposed skin of his neck above his collar and reaching up to unbutton it before pausing. What were they even doing, exactly? Getting down to it, it was something he wanted, to be sure, but on the other hand, Jasper was considerably more drunk than he was. Would Jasper be as enthusiastic if he _hadn’t_ been drinking? ...he certainly sounded like he was enjoying himself, but well, Hendrik couldn’t be sure.

“Jasper?” he said a bit hesitantly, pulling back a bit. “I am… not too sure about this. You’ve been drinking, and I… do not wish to take advantage of you, so…”

Jasper pulled back and gave him a _look_ , and Hendrik immediately felt a bit self-conscious about the fact that he’d brought it up based on the fact that, well…

“...Hendrik, I’ve got… I’ve got you pinned to the bed. I could not possibly be in any more control of the situation here.”

“I understand that, but…”

He sighed, trying to organize his thoughts. He wasn’t really sure what the issue he was having was, given that he was also a bit tipsy and even if he hadn’t been, his mind would be going in several different directions at once, _particularly_ to his nethers. Something was definitely bothering him, though, and it took him a moment to figure out how to articulate it.

“Would you still want to continue this if you were sober?”

Jasper didn’t answer immediately, though he pulled back a bit, giving Hendrik a look that made him feel like he was being evaluated before responding with a question of his own.

“Would you?”

...what kind of answer was that? What kind of question even was that? Actually, would he? Hendrik’s thoughts began racing around in his head, trying to figure out what he even felt here. He was enjoying this, but…

“Well, er…”

Jasper’s eyes narrowed a bit, before he sighed, pushed his bangs out of his face, climbed up off Hendrik, and got up off the bed. Hendrik stared for a moment, before digging his elbows into the pillows and sitting up to look after Jasper in confusion. He watched him somewhat unsteadily walk over to the table, where Jasper started gathering up his leftover sweets.

“Jasper?” he asked, his brows knitted in concern.

“You are, indeed, right, I am far too drunk for this,” replied Jasper huffily, trying to stack boxes and… failing, to a certain extent, as he put larger boxes on top of smaller ones and just formed an unsteady tower of sweets. “I need to… go to bed. Or something. I don’t know.”

“Oh.” Hendrik’s brow did not unfurrow, though he did proceed to swing his legs around to stand up from the bed and… wincing a bit as the shift in his position reminded him of how tight his pants felt. “Well, I don’t mind helping you with those. You do still have a lot to get through.”

“It’s _fine_ , Hendrik,” snapped Jasper, shuffling the boxes. “It’s just boxes. I can carry my own boxes perfectly well.”

“No one will judge you for accepting some help,” Hendrik responded, uncertainty lingering in his voice. “Please, let me help you back to your room.”

“Hendrik, would a person who is too drunk to make it back to his own room be able to-- augh, bollocks!”

Hendrik winced as Jasper’s stack of boxes exploded out from his arms. For a moment or two, Jasper stared at all the boxes littering the floor, his hands held out in exasperated confusion, before he looked back at Hendrik.

“...well, fine, I… suppose. Just… put your shirt on before we leave.”

...ah, right, he was still half naked. After putting his shirt back on, Hendrik headed over to help Jasper pick up the boxes of cookies. They did so in an awkward silence as he tried to think through what had even just happened between the two of them. He wasn’t sure, actually, and he was very confused and aroused by the whole thing. Should he say something? Anything? Or would that make this whole thing even more awkward? His rumination continued as he finished gathering up a significant amount of the boxes and headed over to prop open the door, though Jasper took a few moments to follow, as he’d placed the stack of boxes he planned to carry back on the table and seemed to be scanning the table for something.

“Do you happen to know where the cork got to?” he finally asked, picking up the open bottle of wine and squinting at it.

“Ah, I haven’t the foggiest,” lied Hendrik.

Jasper stared at the bottle for a moment before proceeding to try and chug the remainder of the wine. Hendrik felt the urge to bring a hand up to his forehead, but resisted due to all the cookies he was carrying.

“ _Jasper_.”

Jasper held up a finger, then finally replied when he finished.

“It’s better than letting it go to waste!”

“It wasn’t going to go to waste.”

“Well, I’m not letting you have it all,” said Jasper, with such an air of snappish finality that Hendrik sighed and decided it wasn’t worth fighting about it. It was better to just… wait for him to stagger on over to the door so he could gently chaperone him across the hall to his room. It was late enough that practically everyone else had gone to bed, and so thankfully, the trek was uneventful enough. At least, up until they reached Jasper’s room, whereupon he promptly slid into the room and slammed the door before Hendrik could follow him in.

...well. It was pretty difficult not to notice that Jasper was in one of his moods, and they’d both made it very awkward for each other. It was hard to tell if it was because of what happened or if it was just because he was incredibly drunk. It could be all of the above, actually, but… well. Maybe he could figure it out tomorrow when they were both sober. For now, Hendrik sighed and knocked on the door.

“Jasper, you forgot over half of your sweets.”

Silence.

“I cannot eat all of them, Jasper. I think most of them are, indeed, yours.”

Continued silence.

“It would weigh on my conscience if I ended up leaving your presents to go stale, Jasper.”

The door cracked a bit and Jasper’s hands shot out to grab the boxes, not unlike a cat reaching under a door to grab a feather. Hendrik waited to hear if there was any clattering noises, but apparently Jasper managed to handle it well enough. Hm. Well, good. That was… good.

“Good night, Jasper.”

There was no response. Hendrik took a long, shaky breath and headed back to his room, took his shirt off, and flopped down on his bed, the back of his hand against his brow. He stared at the ceiling for a moment or two, his thoughts racing. Had… he handled that wrong? How _should_ he have handled that? He had enough trouble dealing with the idea of having intimate experiences with women, much less his best friend, and there were no articles in gentlemen’s periodicals on how to handle that. Then again, the gentlemen’s periodicals weren’t terribly helpful in either regard, thinking about it. And then his mind started crossing the streams, and… he sighed and unbuttoned his pants.

As he took himself in hand, he reasoned he could probably figure it out in the morning, when he wasn’t distracted by a combination of fuzzy sleepiness and confusing arousal demanding his attention. Or if Jasper didn’t remember it, which was a very real possibility, he could probably just never mention it again.

Perhaps that was for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the only one who keeps thinking of the many names of David Ryder from Space Mutiny every time I look at Hendrik, am I? Please tell me I'm not alone.
> 
> If you liked this you can expect other shitposts at [@tarasbulbasaur](https://twitter.com/tarasbulbasaur) on twitter, though it's mostly Fire Emblem.


End file.
